Make food that looks like food.

When I was a kid my parents took me to a seafood restaurant and ordered something called “calamari.” Knowing I would never eat it if I knew what calamari meant (“and an order of the fish-sticks for the little one,” oh my how things change) they simply dipped a deep fried chunk of calamari in marinara sauce and put it in the vicinity of my face. When I bit into that rubbery ring of awesome, my brain exploded. “What did you call this?” I asked, “calamari,” my mom said, but I was not to be fooled, “what IS calamari?” I asked “...” pause, “squid.”

I don't know when I learned the phrase “fuck it” but that's exactly the thought that went through my 8 year-old, cephalopod-addled mind, and I finished half the plate.

Fast forward seventeen years and there isn't much food I wont try - Offal? Been there, ate that. Escargot? One of my favorites. Snapping turtle? It ate one of my fingers, but I got my revenge. Goat anus? Can I get that with hot sauce? Fugu? Gimme! You know that's poison right? Stab the adrenalin needle into my heart and lets do this! - so it pisses me off when Michelin-bedazzled chefs serve things that look like this:

What are you trying to hide? Where is my food? Is this food? Out of all those dishes I can only definitively identify three things as edible. It all looks like modern art.

I hate modern art.

You can take this with a grain of salt. Maybe I'm just bitching because I'm poor and I doubt if I will ever get the chance to eat even one of those dishes, which I am sure are delicious beyond my reckoning. But I still cant help but wonder; how much of that Lego brick in the middle is actual food, and how much is just the chef's gentleman gravy? And the same goes for the pile of vomit in the bottom left corner. When I sit down to a plate of food I want a plate of food. I don't want this:

What the hell is that?

My point is this; I'm grateful to my parents for concealing the exact nature of a dish which has become one of my favorite comfort foods, but I trust my parents. I know my parents would never intentionally feed me something that would harm me in anyway. I'm not so trusting of everyone else. For all I know, that thing next to the Lego brick is made of people.

And another thing! Don't think that giving these dishes humble names makes them less pretentious. You could call it “pretty good fish on a plate” but if it came to me like that I would still call you an asshole. And while we're on the subject; Micro Gastronomy. Either make me a cheese burger or kill yourself. I am so not interested in a foam made from whale blubber adorning a sponge made from gunk you scraped off the bathroom floor. Get a real job. And speaking of people who need real jobs; sommeliers. Don't think you're a better person just because you get to look disapprovingly at me over a wine list. From where I'm sitting, your groin is at perfect punching height. And don't think I can be fooled into pretending I know anything about wine. I know your game, you manipulative little ferret. You get middle aged dentists to buy the third most expensive wine on your list when you say, conspiratorially, “honestly, sir, it is a seriously undervalued vintage.” And then smile inwardly when he sniffs the cork of your fetid grape rot and says “oh yes, very good.” And I bet you can barely contain your laughter after you pour the first glass, and he holds it up to his nose, and he breathes deep its noxious aroma. And I can see the malicious glint in your eye as he sips gingerly the pool of filth from the bowels of hell, and swirls it thoroughly around his flawless teeth. And I know you have to change your pants after the game is through, and your victory announced when he says “yes, we'll have this one.” Well I wont be fooled! I'm going to finish my beer and then I'm going to FEED YOU THE BOTTLE! AND I WILL LAUGH AS YOU CHOKE ON- HEY! WHATS GOING ON?! I'M NOT DONE YET! … aw... this is bullshit.

Image credit; I stole the top one from Wikipedia, the bottom one is from the brilliant Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video (Second Attempt)