Thursday, March 8, 2012

Chicken OR: why I hate the Food Network


If you watch cable in the middle of the day - and you've seen every episode of every Star Trek series on Spike TV, you know every answer on every rerun of Jeopardy and the soaps have strangled all but the last glimmer of hope from your life - you are probably going to find yourself watching the Food Network. And if you are watching the Food Network in the middle of the day, you are going to start getting some very bad ideas regarding chicken.

If you mixed yourself a strong cocktail, and took a drink every time some bleach-blond, suburbanite, wanna-be chef said “boneless, skinless chicken breast,” you would be dead from alcohol poisoning before Rachel Ray got the chance to smother you with American cheese and blandness. And that would still be better than getting off the couch, brushing the Cheeto dust from your bathrobe and actually cooking a boneless, skinless chicken breast in your non-stick pan with a tablespoon of E.V.O.O. With just a pinch of salt and a little freshly ground black pepper to make you go “hmm” and a pint of your own tears born from the pain and misery of your horrible, lonely existence.
 
“What's wrong with boneless skinless chicken breast?” You might ask, “chicken is chicken, right?” If you are asking questions like this, reading food blogs might not be for you. You may go back to enjoying your mechanically separated, extrusion-molded, deep-fried not-chicken snack from McDonald’s and let the grown-ups talk.

Chicken is not just chicken. What I mean to say is that each cut of chicken – the legs, the breasts, the wings and the offal – have a distinct, but harmonious flavor. The thighs and drumsticks, being the darkest pieces, have the strongest flavor. The wings are milder, but have an excellent flavor because of their higher fat content. Finally, the breast - the most fought-over cut in many families - is prized for it's moisture and subtle, delicate flavor, and therein lies the problem. The moment you overcook your chicken breast it's game over, you might as well make chicken jerky.

If you're one of those people who likes to eat “exotic” meat and then say “why, this tastes just like chicken!” Then chances are you have been eating over-cooked, bone-dry, skinless, boneless chicken breast for your entire life, and you don't actually know what chicken tastes like. Let me help you find out.

Most chefs will extoll the virtues of cooking your chicken whole, and I wouldn't dare to argue with them. Indeed, cooking a chicken whole requires almost as little thought and effort as buying a rotisserie chicken at the super market, and the result is infinitely better. Start by preheating your oven (almost any temperature between 350 and 450 will do). Next, tie the ends of the drumsticks together with cotton twine, and fold the tips of the wings under the breast (you can also tie the wings to the rest of the bird with a big loop of twine, but I've never seen the point). Last, put your bird in a heavy lidded roasting pan (or large casserole), surround it with aromatic vegetables (carrots, celery and onions spring to mind) season with salt, pepper, herbs and spices (there are about a billion ways to do this, I'll get to some of them later) and throw it in the oven. Cook until done. I'm not going to tell you when that is, but according to the USDA; chicken is safe to eat at 165 degrees F, and that wont be dry if your roasting pan has a nice, heavy lid. If you want an exact time when your chicken will be done, every cook book I own has a cooking time based on weight, and they are all wrong. Use some common sense; This isn't a 30 minute meal. Check the meat after an hour, it wont be done but it will tell you when you need to start working on your side-dishes.

Tune in next time and learn about the economics of buying whole chicken.

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