I would like to order the cock-meat sandwich... for the table next to me.

I love food. Obviously I do, I write a blog about it, but I hate restaurants. One of the biggest things I hate about restaurants is... everyone else in them. I've worked in restaurants - in the front and back of the house - for years, and the thing that finally drove me out was the customer. I'm not talking about bad tippers, or mildly rude jerkfaces. I'm talking about creatures that I can barely stand to call human. Women who toast their infidelities. Men who disdain the qualities of women in the company of men, but whisper sweet sugar in their ears in mixed company. People who tell the kind of racist jokes that make you ashamed just for hearing them.

I had an experience tonight that reminded me of those dark days behind the bar; listening to whatever opinion blew through the door, holding my tongue and drowning my hatred with strong drink nightly. some people have no concept of what appropriate conversation is, and the people sitting at the table next to me needed to be reminded. I am not, by nature, a violent man, but this individual was beginning to say things that were very offensive to myself and my friends, and just as I was going to unleash the anger - built up over years of impotently listening as people spouted the kind of hatred and bigotry that would make Adolf Hitler say "I think that may be going a bit far."  - and kick seven shades of shit out of him, my friend had an idea.

"there should be a sandwich..."

... A chicken sandwich that you can only order for the table adjacent to you. A dish that says in no uncertain terms - "you are a complete and utter dick-head." A Cock-Meat Sandwich. Nothing fancy, no sauces, no garnish - they don't deserve it - just cock meat in a bun. When the waiter or waitress serves it he or she should say politely "your Cock-Meat Sandwich, sir, complements of the house."

So the next time you are sitting in your favorite restaurant explaining how you are better than anyone of a different race, religion, gender, nationality or political party, you may receive, quite unexpectedly, a hot, steaming, juicy Cock-Meat Sandwich. If they don't serve that at your favorite restaurant; the Knuckle Sandwich is always on the menu.